Thursday, September 15, 2005

Daddy was a hustler..

It's important who you look up to for guidance in life. All those babies born into dull and monotonous families it makes me want to cry. Slippers and pyjamas, mortgages and savings, cancer and dying with people who care. Though it may be the happiest point in a parent's lives by rights birth should be the saddest of any child's.

Birth is the time when a newborn child finds out just how little their father resembles Paul Newman's character from The Hustler.

Daddy was a hustler to get a woman to sleep with me!

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

I Jumped Off A Cliff..

There are three things people feel they should do on hearing of a suicide by someone they know. One is to convey the message to everyone who met the guy, even if only briefly. Two is philosophize on existance and the meaning of life. Then three is to compose a 'statement' extoling the diseased person's virtues, in what way the world failed him, and how the world would be a better place if there were more of his type around.

The first point has practical benefits. There is a genuine need for wide transmission of information regarding someone's death. Firstly, everyone must know to conjugate verbs in the past tense with relation to the deceased guy's name. Secondly in money matters, if the deceased owed someone money, it's only right to tell them they're unlikely to ever see that tenner again.

The second point is simply navel gazing, practiced by immature teenagers and grizzly bears who sit in that cute way with their legs stuck out infront.

As for the third point. People who assume such behaviour are either lying, or close to reaching for the razor themselves. A person commits suicide because there is something wrong with them. The signs are there, suicide itself should be notice enough, but no one recognised them in time to stop the act. Now, if some not well understood quirk in a person's character leads to suicide, the best thing would not be to heap praise upon them, and hold that person's life up as a great example of what is true happiness, kindess, being charitable or anything other trite shite. The only example this guy's life exemplifies is the 'how to be someone who successfully commits suicide' example. That is a life deserving neither promotion nor emulation. Like I say, people guilty of point number three are either stupid enough to mean what they say, in which case they'll be taking a lukewarm bath some everning soon, or they are lying.

If like me you value being alive, you would no doubt class the suicide commiter among those 'people to avoid'. Now if I were to find someone at my house who thought we should all be like that guy I would make my excuses, and hastily put all sharp objects out of harms way.

I jumped off a cliff to get a woman to sleep with me!

Monday, August 29, 2005

I Offer Only The Finest Pork Pies..

Women can be so competitive.

I mention german cars once and now she's got some huge nest egg left by her father.

My lovely Ullia does write such excrutiatingly long e-mails. This time I was forced to be quite violent with editing. The original was close to four times what you see below.

My Darling ,
.....I am more than happy in your reply to my mail. Mine is a little bit hot over here in Dakar Senegal
..... all our relatives ranaway in the middle of the war the only person we have now is Rev.Emmanuel George ..... he has been very nice to me since i came here but i am not living with him ....
.....I want to go back to my studies because i only attended my first year before the traggic incident ..... i have my late father's statement of account and death certificate here with me .... in a leading bank in Europe .... the amount in question is $9.7M(Nine Million seven Hundred Thousand Dollars)...... I kept this secret to people in the camp here the only person that knowsabout it is the Revrend because he is like a father to me.
.... Awaiting to hear from you soonest.
Yours in loveforever,
Miss Ullia,


I shall not me outdone by a bloody refugee.

Ullia,

I am glad to hear the weather has warmed since last time we talked of marriage to a third world girl is my dream but you are too rich for me money is no object while my parents are alive and paying for everything you need I have a modest inheritance of several small to medium sized oil fields.

Richard M Suave Esq.


I offer only the finest pork pies to get a woman to sleep with me!

Saturday, August 27, 2005

I Was A Fan Of Jackanory..

Heard this one before?

Japanese people have this superstition about bad spirits and keeping them out the house. Spirits over there don't haunt one single house, they're too jumpy, but if given the chance will stay a short time causing bad luck for the family. Beacuse of this, all Japanese houses have wooden storm shutters fitted as well as windows. At night they're closed to make sure no bad spirits get into the house while everybody's sleeping.

There're an old wives tale that says if all the doors and windows of the house are opened then closed, when you go to shut the last door you will feel the spirits darting past you, afraid of being locked up in the house for good.

Now, in Northern Japan lived a girl named Yuko. One day she decided to test out the story about the spirits and the house. On a saturday afternoon she went around opening all the doors and windows, waited a couple of hours to let the spirits find their way inside, then quickly ran through the house shutting everything up again. She ran around to the front and was about to push the last door closed... when something suddenly grasped her by the leg. She froze there, with her hand on the front door. Looking down, there was the half torso of an old man spralled at her feet, one of it's hands wound tightly around her ankle.

It's eyes staried up at her, and it's mouth opened and closed, making desperate gasps for air.

"Grghaaance, grghaaance!". It said, looking up at Yuko like it was imploring of her.

Yuko panicked, she screamed out loud, let go of the door and ran away blindly as fast as she could.

Later in the day she came back to the house, her mother was already home and had come back from shopping to hind the house empty and the front door wide open. Yuko couldn't bring herself to explain what had happened so she apologized and quickly ran up to her room.

That evening at dinner there was news of the family. Yuko's great uncle, a man of eighty two who lived far across Japan, was dying and not expected to last the night.

Yuko realised, it must have been his spirit she saw that afternoon. She tried to remember what had happened, what the old man had been trying to tell her.

"Grghaaance, grghaaance!". It sounded like "Dance, dance!". As a small girl Yuko had taken ballet lessons. She had vague memories of family get-togethers with eveyone crowded into a small room while she performed, her great uncle playing the piano.

That night, while Yuko lay half asleep inside her futon she felt something grab her left ankle, and heard that rasping voice again, the voice of an old man desperate and fraught.

"Grghaaance, grghaaange!"

This time Yuko didn't panic, she managed to stay somewhat calm speak to the man.

"Uncle, I can't dance for you. I stopped taking lessons a long time ago."

But the hold on Yuko's ankle didn't slacken, nor did the voice stop repeating it's request. Instead, the old man started dragging himself across the tatami floor, closer to Yuko's face.

"Grhaaance, grghaaange!"

Too scared to get up and run for help, Yuko was frozen in place.

It was then she heard it, what the old man was trying to say. It had been difficult to make out but now she could hear it almost clearly, he was saying "Change, change".

The old man wasn't asking her to dance for him, he was asking her to change with him, to take his place in the next world.

Yuko lay still out of fear as the voice came closer and closer "Chaange, chaange!"

I was a fan of jackanory to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Appreciate Jazz Fusion..

Things seem to be developing nicely.

She included a photo this time though as a gentleman and to protect her modesty I shall refrain from posting it.

Actually she goes on a bit so I've cut it down to the interesting parts.

Sender : ullia <######@yahoo.co.in>
Received: 2005/08/26 10:49:19
To : suave richard
Subject : here is my picture.
Attached file :  ullia.jpg (0.04 MB)

dear
I am more than happy in your urgent reply to my mail.
How was your day? mine was cool over here .... presently iam residing with in the refugee camp here in Dakar Senegal, as a result of the civil war going on in my country.
My late father.... was the personal advicer to the former head of state before the rebels attacked my house one early morning killing my mother and my father.....
I would like to know more about you.Your likes and dislikes, as i love cooking, handball reading,etc. i don't like dishonest person.
..... I will tell more about myself in my next mail, Hoping to hear from you soonest.
Ullia


I feel a little sorry about not showing the photo, let's just say she's doing fantastically well for a refugee.

My reply;

Sweetcakes,

Oh I was so happy to receive your photograph yesterday I almost crashed my father's BMW into a fashion boutique of designer clothes must be hard to come by my place sometime it's summer where I live thank god for air conditioning and my parent's swimming pool together resources to get yourself out of that horrible place for god's sake how can you have internet access living in a refugee camp it's the third world nationality is a quality I've always asked for in a future wife should be a good cook and experienced in bed though not too experienced if you know what I mean the opposite of what I say on occasion but not in a dishonest way so people say there's nothing like the cool sharp taste of iced daiquiris on a beach in Dubai lying next to one's own sleeping beauty is my favorite Sun Ra recording far superior to most new-age Jazz of recent decades your country has become a terrible mess since the white man left you have a great set of melons are a wonderful fruit and vegetables at my local supermarket are just terrible about the death of your family but quite common in that part of the world good clean mineral water must be a bugger of a thing to come by my condolences.

Lovingly yours kisses care taking hugs and hearts xxx

Richard M Suave Esq.


It's always a good idea to mention one's expensive lifestyle when conducting long-distance courting. It keeps the girl interested and by the time she finds out she's already in the country on a dependents visa.

I appreciate jazz fusion to get a woman to sleep with me!

Friday, August 26, 2005

My Favourite Animal Is The Hyy Ztrezhrtezt..

Desperate times call for desperate measures.

First message received after putting profile up on a singles site;

Message received on 8/26/2005 6:27:00 AM

cherry hello
i am miss ullia i saw your profile at ########.com today after going through it i think that you are the type of person i am looking for so i will like you to mail me back through my mailing address thus; #######@yahoo.co.in, thanks i am awaiting for your soonest respon.


Her profile lists these as her 'favorites';

Favorite Music; Jazz
Favorite Band; tgtrgea
Movie; fhaj yt
Actor; juyer hafetzyr
Animal; hyy ztrezhrtezt
Hero; itriu jt
Place; z tryt"駻

All very exotic, and surprisingly we share a number of things in common.

Anyway desperate times... my reply;

Ullia,

Your name is pretty because it sounds like my favorite part of a woman are unreliable creatures though I expect different from you are from Senegal which is in Africa where I've never been to tell you the truth I'm looking for a wife someone like you maybe but a little taller but that doesn't matter so long as your face is pretty girls always turn on you look good in heels what about in profile or reflected in the ceiling mirror of a japanese love hotel every chance I get when I come here to stay for just one day we should meet and talk through your interests are so interesting people make interesting partners don't you think your profile is difficult to make out please attach a photograph to this mail handed to us while while sit on a beach in Dubai sipping daiquiris together hand in hand under the blue note was one of Miles' strongest recordings in my opinion have you heard of frotting before we meet better tell me do you prefer your men cut or with foreskin?

Richard M Suave Esq.


Fingers crossed.

My favourite animal is the Hyy Ztrezhrtezt to get a woman to sleep with me!

Thursday, August 25, 2005

I Prejudice No Single Religion..

In 9th century Spain Muslims worshipped grandly in large comfy Mosques while Christians were persecuted and their faith regarded as mortal blasphemy. In protest many Christians decided it would be quite amusing to stand in a public space and bray to God at the top of their lungs. The Muslim police people didn't see the joke, and the Christians were promptly dragged to a room of Very Large Knives.

Today people change religion much as they open a newspaper subscription. It's difficult to imagine a time when the things you believe in can mean the difference between life and Death by Very Large Knives.

Perhaps those guys were unimformed as to the Muslim faith? With hindsight I'm sure the 9th century Christians would have gladly, in Eulogius' words "spurned the holy Trinity and joined the perverse sect", if they knew about the virgins.

My guess is the Muslims of 9th century Spain weren't shouting it from the rooftops. Though quite the genius move for a religion, there is always the problem of advertising that is too successful. The facilities of paradise would be simply overwhelmed.

I prejudice no single religion to get a woman to sleep with me!