Friday, June 17, 2005

I Bought New Pencil Leads..

Korea sat down opposite me. Today she'd opted for jeans. Honestly ladies, if you have any legs at all do not wear loose jeans. Short girls are okay because their squashed bodies' bits stick out more, making baggier denims acceptable in some circumstances, such as shipbuilding, or street sweeping. But tall, leggy girls? Do it right. Wear the jeans tight.

It'd been a slow day. I was playing about, trying to get Korea to go out with me on Saturday. The game was to introduce the phrase 'Sexy Johnty' into the conversation without having seemed to have meant to do so. Leaving messages around, being suggestive in an absolutely indirect way. I really enjoy this game. It's like when you want to encourage a child into something. Sit in the same room as the child, pick the something up, and concentrate on it. Curiosity does the rest.

My next gambit was to gray-shade some paper then use Korea's eraser to reveal the 'magic' message. Reaching for the pencil, I found my graphite to be all used up.

I bought some new pencil leads to get a woman to sleep with me!

Sunday, June 12, 2005

I Am In A State Of Dehydration..

I read somewhere that the caucasian male's progress as a specie was stalled sometime around the Mesolithic. I paraphrase; "As the last great continent-spanning glaciers melted and dried out, so man's evolutionary flux waned and dribbled. What crawled from that dribble is the giblet torso and ostrich-limbs that characterize modern anglo-saxon manhood."

Apparently this goes not just for the stylings but also the fixtures. Every white man comes with their body's thermostat set to 'just after ice-age'. So, cool and stylish on an ice pack in furs, but an alcoholic out of alcohol in all other conditions.

It's become hotter than, in evolutionary terms, I have ever learned to cope. My body has one coutermeaure against such heat; to bucket sweat. It doesn't help. What it does is impact on relatively simple tasks such as breathing and speaking to the extent that I am no longer attractive.

As a child one could claim to have been pushed into the river to explain the wetness. This strategy would elicite pity from the onlooker, and sometimes an invitation for a quick rub down. The concrete metropolis I chose for adult habitation though contains few waterways.

The next day, I was lucky to find on further research that at a particular water content/body weight ratio the body ceases to sweat. It is too busy coping with dizzyness, thickened blood, and the formation of 'colloids' to bother with sweating.

I am in a permanent state of dehydration to get a woman to sleep with me!

Friday, June 10, 2005

I Trimmed My Chest Hair..

It's suddenly got very hot. I'm not well disposed to the heat, and rank it above rain among things that upset my concentration. Luckily for me the vest is back in as an acceptable article of fashion. This has afforded men the opportunity to expose their skin to the breeze without appearing to be Australian.

Of course, women have known of the benefits of increased surface area of open skin in hot climates for some time. I remind them of it regularly.

But for man the notion is something new, and a little daunting. The male 'decolette' is not so attractive as the female. Going out of the way to parade the mountain gorilla as a mere knuckle-tread away in evolutionary terms does not allure.

Considering the tastes of Korea, of a culture used to having their men bare-back some equitable organisation of plunge depth and chest hair was in order.

I trimmed my chest hair to get a woman to sleep with me!

Thursday, June 09, 2005

I Swallowed My Chewing Gum..

God knows I should know better. The gimmicks and the pseudo-scientific 'improvements'. I'm usually one of the undefined demographic, shown by a total lack of new brand products cluttering the room. Here's a stick of chap stick I've had since primary school with 'undiluted methyhydrolates', apparently they cause cancer now. Just next to that is a nub of polystyrene eraser, origin unknown.

I found myself whisked up in the demographic dragnet whilst watching the TV some weeks ago. You see, I have terrible teeth. It's genetic and no amount of flossing could save them. They are of a slightly higher density than boiled sweets, and on contact with soft drinks dissolve violently. To save them I would do anything, except floss daily, and the advertisement knew this.

It showed me how they had incorporated charged ions into chewing gum, and how the charged ions worked like little builders, turning man's teeth into super-hardened channel-tunnel boring ceramo-rams. I was soon onto a pack-a-day.

Chewing as a habit is similar to smoking. Once you're seen doing it, everyone wants a go. Social mores/custom/law/health concerns often prevent these people. So they get frustrated, and their stress levels rise. Yesterday with gum in mouth I entered a small restaurant to meet Korea. As I noticed her sitting patiently across the room a crisis arose. What to do, In full chew? Frustration is a well known pre-cursor to hot-temper and uncharitableness in women.

As Korea's eyes met mine I knew there was but one manoeuvre left to me.

I swallowed my chewing gum to get a woman to sleep with me!

Saturday, June 04, 2005

I Wore Briefs And Not Boxers..

All todgers are distinctive and unique, as are the attached individuals. This fact is recognised by women, and never admitted by men. Though not often discussed, the role the todger plays within a relationship is delicate and subtle. As when 'sex' as a subject matter raises it's head is an significant turning point between two people, so too, it could be said, is the todger's first head-raising.

I snogged Peru last night while drunk. I didn't get to sleep with her, though my todger sorely anticipated the act, and I'm quite sure todger's intentions were keenly felt.

In any case I'm gambling Peru played ignorant of my lad out of politeness. But to prevent a repeat episode on our next meeting suitable precautions had to be made. Some obstructing article was sorely required to prevent obvious impingement by the lad on a not-drunk conversation.

I temporarily wore briefs and not boxers to get a woman to sleep with me!

Friday, June 03, 2005

I Read A Book In The Lounge..

After lunch, I watched a little TV, then became aware of Chinese cooking in the kitchen. The lounge/eatery is the place of choice for consuming food on a saturday morning turning afternoon. In such times of dull recess it is common for the smallest conspicuancies to be noticed, noted, and introduced as conversation. In these situations, to make a comment on one's own conspicuancy would be forward. A gift is to be received, not given.

I recalled that Chinese had previously shown some interest in philosophy. By introducing my book to her, a book containing a particularly 'progressive' brand of philosphy, the anticipated results were two-fold;

1/ superficially, to provide conversational grist,
2/ to make her an easier pull by instilling an epicurian edge into her character.

I read a book in the lounge to get a woman to sleep with me!