Thursday, June 09, 2005

I Swallowed My Chewing Gum..

God knows I should know better. The gimmicks and the pseudo-scientific 'improvements'. I'm usually one of the undefined demographic, shown by a total lack of new brand products cluttering the room. Here's a stick of chap stick I've had since primary school with 'undiluted methyhydrolates', apparently they cause cancer now. Just next to that is a nub of polystyrene eraser, origin unknown.

I found myself whisked up in the demographic dragnet whilst watching the TV some weeks ago. You see, I have terrible teeth. It's genetic and no amount of flossing could save them. They are of a slightly higher density than boiled sweets, and on contact with soft drinks dissolve violently. To save them I would do anything, except floss daily, and the advertisement knew this.

It showed me how they had incorporated charged ions into chewing gum, and how the charged ions worked like little builders, turning man's teeth into super-hardened channel-tunnel boring ceramo-rams. I was soon onto a pack-a-day.

Chewing as a habit is similar to smoking. Once you're seen doing it, everyone wants a go. Social mores/custom/law/health concerns often prevent these people. So they get frustrated, and their stress levels rise. Yesterday with gum in mouth I entered a small restaurant to meet Korea. As I noticed her sitting patiently across the room a crisis arose. What to do, In full chew? Frustration is a well known pre-cursor to hot-temper and uncharitableness in women.

As Korea's eyes met mine I knew there was but one manoeuvre left to me.

I swallowed my chewing gum to get a woman to sleep with me!

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