Saturday, July 30, 2005

I Will Not Be Forced Into Marriage..

"I would rather choose death, than to live without freedom"

Scrolls the copyrighted motto of a US based initiative. They proclaim to be both strongly Christian, and committed to ideals of freedom.

Christians are some of the least free people I know. When among Christians I often get asked if I am a Christian, and of what type. They are not leading you into polite conversation such as the questions "do you come here often" or, "have you visited the south-east asian archipelago", but information gathering, as if they're sizing you up for invitation to the next prayer gathering.

Though to me it makes little difference I tend to go with Catholicism, for whom I have most respect amongst the Christian cults. For one it's got great architecture, most of it found in noted wine growing regions. Also relative to other factions it's followers have the best deal. An hour or so of solid piety put in at the local church, for one whole week guilt free. Plus, the hymns sung during Mass make good karaoke practice.

Also, if you are ever feeling a bit down, there's a guy who's job it is to listen to all your worries and help you feel generally positive about life.

However, I could never see myself as a Protestant. Certainly their repertoire includes more contemporary numbers, and not all their architecture can be easily dismissed. Yet, while Catholics see the realm of the sacred as beginning and ending by the church doors, Protestants have radicalised the playing field of God. They relate all their actions, all days of the week, to His will and His strictures.

They appear like a leftist conspiracy nut for whom everything proves his theory right.

Well anyway, whatever the circumstances, there is one thing I know for certain.

I will not be forced into marriage to get a woman to sleep with me!

Friday, July 29, 2005

I Shall Locate An Exploitable Weak Point..

I had a friend who knew a hundred ways to scare his girlfriend. He claimed it was playful jesting. She wanted none of it and called him a heartless and insensitive oaf, then broke out in tears.

At first my friend would explain it away as a bit of jolly, but seeing how upset the girfriend was he'd start feeling guilty, and end up going to extraordinary lengths to make it up to her. He'd offer to keep her chaperone on shopping trips, agree to accompany her on visits to distant relatives, or even promise to make her breakfast in bed for a month.

The funny thing was, he never once grumbled to me about performing any of these penances. If anything, he quite enjoyed them.

They've been six years together now, and things between them couldn't be better. There are plans to be married by the year's end, and they're already trying for a baby.

Though her reaction to his 'jokes' has become no less acute, I don't expect him to be letting up any time soon.

I shall locate an exploitable weak point to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Will Follow The Example Of The Ant...

Ants are just as intelligent as humans, if not moreso.

Idiot philosophers (humans) say that what sets us apart from the lower species is how we grasp the concept of time.

Excuse me but if time is such an understood part of our society why do people read romantic fiction. Or why do people go to amusement parks on the weekend when they know the queus are just terrible. Or why do politicians bother waiting for people to vote before deciding which one of 'em is going to tell us what to do.

Tell me, have you ever seen an ant waiting for hours in the sun while an ice-cream melts down it's shirt sleeve, all for the thrill of nausea?

Have you ever seen an ant entering a used books store, other than to ferry away biscuit crumbs fallen from the shopping bags of shuffling Aunts.

Have you ever seen an ant put on a shirt and tie, order wine, hold a door open, buy underwear, etc. etc.

No, because ants are efficient. When they have something to do they get it done and waste no time about it.

I will follow the example of the ant to get a woman to sleep with me!

Thursday, July 28, 2005

I Do Impressions Of Goldfish...

Koreans studying Japanese in Tokyo are notoriously fickle. When communicating to them using Japanese they never listen to you, nor themselves.

Topics of conversation are exhausted around the five second mark. Try referring to a conversational topic outside of this period, and you draw a total blank.

I do impressions of goldfish to get a woman to sleep with me!

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

I Am Taking The Piss..

Many events that shaped Japan the country, and played a vital role in the lives of Japanese everywhere today, can be traced to cleanliness. The unisex bidet-toilet, city pavements not covered in litter, and the occupation of Japan by Allied forces (1945-1952)*, all find their roots in the elevated social value Japanese place on maintaining the self and surroundings as unsoiled and unsullied.

As an upshot Japan now has one of the most extensive networks of hot spring resorts in the world. If there are few countries that boast three liters of boiling hot sulphur-noxious per citizen, Japan is among them.

But in this land of immaculate gardens, unbleamished skin and provocative napes, one demographic has found itself an outcast. They are Japan's growing population of elderly and incontinent dogs.

The scene; a typical Japanese home, the family's aged pet dog Harry rises from his fermented squid dinner and waddles into the lounge. He lays a sloppy muzzle down onto his favorite cushion. Relaxing control over his bodily processes, a dark shadow of indignity slowly seeps it's way into the tatami mat beneath Harry's hindquarters.

This upsetting situation, faced by aging Alsations on a daily basis, has now been resolved by the invention of 'Puppy Pampers'. Adapted from the popular human design, each pair fastens securely around the haunch and tail, preventing embarrassing little accidents.

"A friendly alternative to killing the bitch"

'Puppy Pampers' are available for purchase in a wide range of styles.

6_pack.jpeg
Six-pack of extra large puppy pampers.

golden_retriever.jpeg
A golden retriever, modeling the 'golden retriever'.

sports_model.jpeg
Sports model.

*Historians see the Imperial Forces' attack on Pearl Harbour as a direct response to the American Pacific Fleet's unmannerly docking exercises.

I am taking the piss to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Am Internally Consistent..

I've been exchanging polite salutations with Korea now for a few days. When I enter the room, we exchange a smile. When one of us leaves the room, another smile. On the unexpected occasion of a meeting outside the classroom, we exchange small talk, more smiles. I expect that we'll soon be taking the stairs together but, I don't want to get ahead of myself so here's some sage advice.

In these, the preliminary stages, what is most important is consistancy. Let me begin with an image - it's the 2004 olympics, the crowd begins to stir as the half-way mark is announced. Five laps stand between the two cyclists and a place in the final. Polished wood blurs as you follow their progress, banking high and gaining speed. For such an inexperienced team to reach the semi-finals of mixed pair pursuit was entirely unforeseen.

What clinched it, was their team work.

Korea tucks in neatly behind while he sets the pace. Though qualification is almost in sight, he knows the final laps are most critical. It's here where, if he falters and drops the pace even for a moment, Korea could drop out from his lead and loose momentum. He must continue to push, show no signs of weakening, give no indication that he is in any doubt of their successful entry to the next stage; a dinner and a movie.

Anyway, it's all about consistency.

I am internally consistent to get a woman to sleep with me!

Monday, July 25, 2005

I Watched Football..

The "White Giants" were beaten yesterday by the "Purple Pygmies".

Final score; Real Madrid 0 - 3 Tokyo Verdy 1969.

This Tokyo based football club's name includes the number of goals they concede on average per season of J-league soccer.

Verdy's record going into this match was 26 goals conceded in 6 games.

They categorically trounced Real Madrid.

With Real's players burdened by the weight of their bloated wallets Tokyo Verdy took to the intiative, running rings around the superstars and scoring their first goal within six minutes of kickoff.

Weather contions were muggy, though not unusually hot. The final five minutes of the game saw the heavens open as a hurricane closed in on the Japanese mainland. Thunderous rain sheeted down, washing away the awkward tears of demolished Real players, reduced to sliding through the mud after loose balls in the attempt to gain a conciliatory goal.

They didn't get it.

In a post-match interview Real's star Vietnamese centre forward, Hardun Bai, said he was unhappy with the result. Dutch coach for the world championship winning Spanish team, Saur Graipes, refused to comment.

Tokyo Verdy 1969 now face a battle against relegation from the J-league. Their current standing is 17th. One place from bottom.

Meanwhile, Real return home to a humiliating welcome. Their posture reads defeat; hunched shoulders, timid eyes fitfully looking out - wary of the encroaching media storm, whip-tails dragging in the dust.

Yo-Hoy!!

I watched football of the highest quality to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Would Be A Bonobo..

Oh to be a bonobo.

Is it a reasonable world where the Chihuahua population flourishes within the plush, hand-sewn handbags of mature Japanese women, while the sexually deviant Bonobo struggles to live it's majestic and hugely-testicled life alongside armed African mercenaries? Manifestly not.

The Bonobo is simply a good example to us all. Please allow me to count the ways.

1/ Bonobos instinctively act for the social good. To this end, sex is often used as a bargaining tool in the resolution of conflicts or the deepening of friendships. Set against this is the human's use of sex as a means to personal gratification, viz. the 'orgasm'.

Imagine this Bonobo trait in Human culture.

A car is has been cut up. The cut up driver makes a dangerous overtaking maneouvre and forces the other car to stop. Both men exit their cars in readiness for physical confrontation. Suddenly, another car pulls up alongside. Two women exit. They proposition the men for sex. Intercourse is conducted and the women return to their car. The men are now too busy smoking a fag to resume the argument.

2/ Violence is common in Human society. Rape and infanticide are just two the most objectionable examples. Menawhile Bonobo society is matriarchal, violence is not tolerated, and rape and infanticide are nonexistant.

Imagine this Bonobo trait in Human culture.

Suddenly, half the Japanese manga and adult video industry no longer exists. Throughout the world female babies can finally sleep safe at night without fear of being pitched into the river - swaddled by their mother in a girdle of bricks.

3/ In Human society the erection is banned in public spaces and nearly all media. Even our most permissive of cultures are yet to display one on daytime T.V. Menawhile in Bonobo society the sight of a swaggering male proudly displaying his erectile tissue is an everyday occurance.

Imagine this Bonobo trait in Human culture.

No more talk about shoe sizes, nose sizes, forehead slants, degrees of eyebrow unification, hand sizes, trouser ruck-angles, or other indirect means for asserting a man's penis size. Through direct observation, a woman always knows what to expect. Additionally, with it's visual prominance, certain penile and related diseases should see a sharp decline.

I would be a bonobo to get a woman to sleep with me!

Saturday, July 23, 2005

I Shall Not Be Distracted From My Efforts..

When people aren't being told what to do in a place that's actually quite efficient like North Korea, they are absorbed in the search for ways of spending time. Most never realize this is what they are doing, especially when it's being calmly pointed out to them as beyond resonable doubt. When pressed on the issue, these people will fly into a blind rage in order to defend their choice of time-waster. Offering all sorts of interesting excuses for their activities like; 'helping to lift the third world out of poverty', or 'understanding the word of God', or even 'liberation of the world's women from chattlehood', who knows what really goes on in the minds of these people.

On occassion you can find those who openly state that, yes, their activites are but simply a means of passing the time. Unfortunately these people will also by turns become irritable and indignant at the suggestion that their activities, and the activities of those mentioned above, are for all intents and purposes indistinguishable.

That the human body supports certain physical imperatives can gainfully direct a person's actions for at least part of the day. Eating and drinking in moderation are almost universally accepted as good and/or agreeable ways of spending one's time. Breathing and heart pumping also tend to yield universal concensus with regards to their beneficial nature. Still yet, there are groups of people who seek to rid themsleves of even these; the most simple and unobjectionable of activites a body can engage in.

I think we can all agree there is one additional means of specding one's time worth mentioning.

I shall not be distracted from my efforts to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Will Not Be Starting A War..

Hiroshima contains the world's highest density of anti-war themed tourist attractions outside of Dresden.

Go there. You'll learn war is a terrible thing and that we should all think long and hard before starting one.

An important message you'll learn (translated for visitors) is that "Starting Wars Is Bad".

Subtly rearranged it reads; "To Star Wars, Bat Shit".

I will not be starting a war to get a woman to sleep with me!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I Listened Attentively..

Okinawa is a chain of islands belonging to Japan. They extend over 1000 km south west from Kyushu, with a main inhabited land mass laying equidistant between Japan and Taiwan. In historial terms, recognition peaked around mid 1940s with the Okinawan people's generous provision of the Imperial Armies with 200,000 units of cannon fodder. Actually, most of those people commited suicide to escape America. I guess someone has to.

I met Korea for dinner. The two of us ended up at an Okinawan restaurant. There is a single source tape which Okinawan restauranteers have dubbed, shared and copied among themselves so an Okinawan Izakaya in southern Kyushu, and an Okinawan Izakaya in northern Sapporo, play identical Okinawan folk tunes. It's a little like what I imagine hearing hard rock at The Hard Rock Cafe would be like.

As well as folk songs, Okinawa is also famous for it's pristine beaches and variety of wildlife. The restaurant was also doing it's bit for the conservation of sea turtles. One the size of a small English car had been attached to the wall. As far as my eyes could see, this rare specimin was perfectly preserved.

Korea was talking Japanese like all non-native Japanese - fitfully and selfishly. I had trouble keeping up. She was on full steam the whole time yet wasn't up to cracking a single joke. I had to sit through alot of serious stuff about plans and futures - I guess that's what the young people are into nowadays. She wants to psychiatrize children through art. Like speech therapy, but replacing phonetics with poster paints.

Apparently they only teach this kind of course in Germany. Germany you see has lots of frustrated children who are also terrible artists.

I listened attentively to get a woman to sleep with me!

Monday, July 18, 2005

I Am Alienating My Audience..

Experience has shown I have no grounds to believe I'll get anything right the first time. So I'll be posting here before copying over to my friend's blog.

A couple of days ago he posted a link to an article on the 'slow life' movement. It is a lifestyle for those who think things are too fast. You do wonder what kind of people would join such a club. Perhaps it's full of racing car drivers, or F-16 fighter bomber pilots. In that case it would be more like a support group. Would they use their real names? For security reasons they'd probably be forced to take assumed names like Iceman or Maverick.

I wonder though if my friend has recognised his discrepancy. In posting that link, is he not promoting a way of life that results in his inevitable unemployment, financial and social ruin, and ultimate return to the South American jungles of his ancestors?

Clicking through, I found the answer - a group of people ignoring eachother. Yes, computer users. He must have glimpsed the agreeable image and accidentally parsed in the link, unknowing of it's textual Kontent.

Also, how have all my friend's favorite things some to start with the letter 'i'? iPods, iMacs, his great spiritual leader iYatollah Khomeini, traffic iLands, the list just goes on.

I am alienating my audience to get a woman to sleep with me!

Saturday, July 16, 2005

I Watch Television Alone..

After countless afternoons and evenings of dedicated research, a truth of television has revealed itself to me. Events that make me laugh can be divided into two types. Being a scientist I got quite excited by this discovery. After a search for tissues, I booted up my computer and set about looking for free internet porn.

I was soon calm enough to write down the findings.

There exists; Natural Law Comedy and Social Contract Comedy.

Natural Law Comedy includes acts such as falling over, tripping up, choking on a pretzel, plunging down, tumbling through, running into unexpected objects, plummeting into, toppling, stumbling, keeling, pitching, slumping etc., etc. Social Contract Comedy occurs as an agreement as to what is funny within an exclusive group.

The first type of comedy is born from adults viewed as clumsy animals, unaccustomed to their environment. The second is based on rules defined in a mutually understood 'social contract', something like the rule of gayers being banned from drinking in singles bars.

I understand there are people laughing at events that fall outside these two groups. Those people are in fact engaging in a cruel form of social torment. To teach such people a lesson, my recommendation is the severring of both hands and a diet of spaghetti (the really long type). The site of the spaghetti-eating, handicapped criminal shall be decided as funny, and everyone can have a good chuckle at the delicious, bolognaise-flavoured irony of the sight.

I watch television comedy alone to get a woman to sleep with me!

I Resumed Posting On Another Blog..

A friend who runs a moderately benign blog reporting on DJs who mix with cassette tapes, and art so fine you need a tooth pick and Swiss watch maker just to identify it, has invited me to post. Apart from the art and the music, he also takes a passing interest in programming.

He requested some anecdotes about Tokyo. I'm really not sure what to say other than miniskirts are back in fashion. Perhaps I can drone on about my everyday worries like, am I sweating too much, have I run out of pencil leads, or are there enough books of philosophy lying scattered about my person.

This reminds me of a girl I was once infatuated with in primary school. Everything she did I found incredibly stylish. The way she swung a rounders bat, her fine blonde hair gossamer-like in morning assembly, and the perfunctory way she would deal with horny, sexually confused boys attempting to lift her skirt during afternoon break.

I was one of those boys, and with devastating hindsight I now realize that what impelled our activities wasn't the unknown quantity of that which was hidden by the skirt, but rather the skirt itself. If a boy were to have attended school in a skirt, for religious or other reasons, we would no doubt have absorbed ourselves in gaining a quick glimpse at the colour of his underwear.

Anyway, the stylish girl turned out to be wearing lavender undies. Horrified, I lifted no more skirts untill teenager-hood.

I resumed posting on another blog to get a woman to sleep with me!

Friday, July 15, 2005

I Resumed Posting On This Blog..

I apologise to readers for my hiatus from this blog. The quest for girls can lead one to parts where to find an internet connection is not just uncommon, but terribly unwholesome.

What really perked me up recently was to happen across a congregation of blogs, and one bolog. A link is provided to the right. Their content struck a chord, and has given me the inspiration to believe I mey not be alone in this blog world, my writings need not go unnoticed.

It reminds me of a pretty girl I once liked at primary school. We rode different bus routes home and I couldn't find an opportunity to approach her. Purposely riding her bus route was an option, except her bus route was managed by a transport service company entirely different from my own. Then one day, on the verge of stealling the bus-pass of a smaller boy I paid witness to my delicate flower hawking up big grumbling toads of gob. I lost all interest after that.

So welcome once again one and all. Continental European or not, I plant kisses on all your cheeks in celebration of my return.

I resumed posting on this blog to get a woman to sleep with me!